minnfenn ♥ 敏芬

am i such a failure gf?

i think i am.

maybe i shouldn't have gone into a bgr in the first place.

it's so stupid to go into a bgr when both parties get hurt in the end.

does it worth it? NO!

fuck.

u also will hurt the pple around u.

those who cares for u.

esp those who likes u too.

i have changed.

i wasn't like that b4.

last time my frens come b4 my stead.

then for the past first months

he says he put stead first b4 anything.

those first few months he spent a lot of time with me.

slowly i got used to it.

started puting stead first too.

n slowly he spend lesser time with me due to his work, sch, cca n family.

he is now like wat i was in the past.

n wat i am now is wat he is in the past.

maybe this is my retribution.

fuck

I HATE IT.

i freaking hate myself so bloody much.

wat a failure i am.

i wanted to keep myself busy with work but i can't

my aunt dun allow me.

WHY!!!

i juz feel so miserable.

i was so freaking happy during the last week of the holiday

when i get to work every single day.

no prob no nothing

keeping myself so busy.

i always told myslef or encourage pple not to fall to deeply.

now i get it y my fren says it's hard.

IT'S FREAKING HARD.

here is a true story:
there was once a gal broke up with her ex(A)
she almost broke down.
she always go to esplanade when she is sad.
so her frens to go look for her at esplanade becoz they were afraid something will happen to her
upon hearing she broke up with her stead.
furthermore they couldn't get through her phone.
in the end they still couldn't find her.
got through her phone she say she is fine.
so they didn't continue their search.
but glad to hear she is fine.

however when she n A were still together there was this guy(B) who likes her too.
B was always by her side though he knows that he might not have the chance.
becoz she realli luv A at that time.
whenever she quarrel with A she will go to esplanade.
w/o she telling B where she is he will go straight to esplanade to look for her.
she was shock to see him.
though the one she realli wan to see is A.
but she knows this wont happen.
she is glad to see someone is there for her at that point of time.
everytime when she is down someone out there is there for her.
n now, B is her current bf.
they r very happily together.
almost 2 yrs.
:))

i mean it's like the guy is always there when she needs someone
WITHOUT telling him where she is.
is something like telepathy.
when will i have such a guy by my side.
i envy her so much.

luving someone is not wanting her to be with u
but wanting her to be happy.

after typing so much my tears finally dried up.

maybe i'm not understanding enough.
he has his gd points too.
no one is rite or wrong.
juz that diff pple has diff views.
no one needs to be pity.

i juz hate myself.

♥, yours truely

BOO!

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala~~~~~

ytd is boring.

staying the WHOLE day at HOME.

it been 364 days since i stay at home the WHOLE DAY.

LOL!

hmmm... was talking the whole day on phone.

coz nothing else to do.

I AM SO FREAKING BORED.

i hate to stay at HOME.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehate

bleh.

*REMEMBER TO DO IS SELF REFLECTION BY TUES MIDNIGHT.*

♥, yours truely

lazy to blog.

sorry.

rashes all over

haiz... bloody itchy.

ARGH!

sort of regret going to vball

♥, yours truely

I HATE U!

heard that?

fuck.

anyway u wont read my blog.

i seriously HATE u damn lots.

get this rite.

♥, yours truely

shucks.

previous post is unable to publish.

argh..................

=P

LOVE GOING TO SCH!

tada.

HAPPY TO BE BACK WITH P2A5.

=D

hongyun r u here???????????

♥, yours truely

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........

SCH IS STARTING TML!!!

HAPPY HAPPY!

can't wait.

♥, yours truely

FREAK.

am i living in hell?

am i living in the world of my own?

am i living in this world for my family?

WHAT THE HELL.

y no one understand me?

y no one knows y i like to keep myself busy?

y no one understand y i like to tired out myself?

y can't i work n study at the same time?

y some kids can n i can't?

onli poor kids can?

wtf.

i'm poor too.

juz that i'm lucky to have above average income aunt.

i work becoz i enjoy it n i dun feel lonely.

i work becoz of fun not money.

when i was small.

i have to call my 3 "MUMMIES" b4 i can go out.

i know my the other 2 aunties cares for me.

sometime i realli do appreciate it.

1 dun allow means i've got to stay at home.

they dun allow me to learn gymnastic.

dun allow rollar blading

dun allow ice skating

dun allow staying overnight outside

i still did all these sercetly when i was pri 3 - 6.

onli told them at a later stage that actualli i did it behind their backs.

n now my aunt wan me to teach my COUSIN.

who is onli 10.

do u think this is fair to me?

dun allow me to go for my bball competition becoz i was having nose bleed.
n that was when they have not enough players.
when we have 99% to win the match.

dun allow me to run for my last yr of sports day
when i was 99% sure i will finally get GOLD for my relay.

they EVEN choose my cca for me.

FUCK.

can't choose npcc coz got to march n might get heat stroke.

can't choose soccer becoz might get heat stroke too.

freak man.

then singapore will be filled with heat stroke pple.

is this call concern?

no freedom at all.

am i suppose to live my life for them?

do wat they ask me?

hell them.

if they allow me to do the things i wan

would i even lie to them in the first place?

y some parents likes their kids to work but the kids refuse?

whereas some kids wan to work but the parents refuse?

haiz...

when can i live in the world of my own.

no troubles, problems.

free to do wat i like.

juz myself.

yes i think i will be very bored.

then y not juz end my life.

maybe i will suffer from a depression soon.

at that point of time i can do wat i like wat i wat.

by then they will regret.

serve them bloody right.

better still put me to sleep.

y am i born in this family.

being pity?

becoz my parents r divorce?

n i got a step father?

am i very rebellious?

i know i am.

reason behind

they FORCE me to.

if onli they have allow me to do it

i wont have become like this.

maybe.

dun cry for my when i die.

i will be more than happy to leave this bloody hell.

be happy for me instead.

my aunt ask me to choose studies or work.

if i choose to work n study

i got to pay the sch fee myself.

is this a threat?

is this wat u call concern?

is this a gd aunt after all?

i seriously dunno.

♥, yours truely

alrite.
juz got home not long.
forgotten to wash my uniform.
otherwise tmlo i got no uniform to wear.
so now waiting for my washing machine to wash
n i'll hang it up for it to dry.
LOL.

coz tml got to work at 11am - 6pm.
busy busy busy.

kkz.. dunno wat else to blog.
life is juz unpredictable.
:))

♥, yours truely

tired.
working from 12-11pm.

but thinking of the double pay
makes me SMILE.

tml working from 3pm to 2am.

tired & busy
makes me
HAPPY.

i'm serious.
:))

♥, yours truely

i'm gonna blog now.
early in the morning.
coz i'm gonna work till 11pm.
so by then i think i'm too tired to blog.

thx bf.
thx for being there.
though the sentence u console me is short.
but it's enough.
juz words from ur mouth is enough.
:))
i mean it.
i dunno.
everything when i'm sad
i come to my blog
saw a tag from u
it cheers me up.
i'm serious.
it's that powerful.
maybe that's wat i call a
Best Fren.
it's juz a very special feeling.
no matter how many times we quarrel
we know that in our heart we care for each other.
rite bf?
juz miss the old days suddenly.
the terrible quarrel we had b4 a match
that sort of made us won the match.
LOL.
it's on valentine day somemore.
lastly thx bf.
i need u i miss u i luv u.
:))
be forever mine ok?
LOL!
p.s. mayeb i'm turning into a les.
HA!

then y dun i have a special feeling
n call it LOVE.
n i dun have to go round cracking my head
n ask myself
wat the hell is LOVE.

*cracking my stupid big head*

♥, yours truely

promise BF that i will blog.

but not gonna happen abt today.
juz very tired.
sorry BF.
anyway blogging abt my daily life is plain
BORING.
becoz?
i've got a boring life.
:))
as simple as that.

WAT THE HELL IS LOVE?

kucf.

can someone pls tell me.

am i such a failure in ur eyes?

i know i am.

i dun have any talent.

juz plain stupid idiot dumb ass.
that's me.
:))
cheers.

♥, yours truely

sch is gonna reopen soon!
can't wait.
haha..
i always luv the first day of sch.
2 more weeks.

i miss P2A5!

lalalala~~~
got my timetable le.
fri is WONDERFUL!
end at 3pm.
gd gd.
means i can work.
=D

y does an jing realli stand for?
wat has the lyrics got to do with anjing?
LOL.
though i understand the whole song
i still dun get it y it's call anjing.

the lyrics is touching.
it's hard to let go of something.
y do u have to let it go even if it's so hard too
not onli that
u got to let it go with a smile.
aint this so unfair.
alrite, i'm convince.
nothing is fair in this world.
it all depends on fate.

izzit worth wating for someone
when u know ur chances r slim?

guys stay close with gals
means they got a motive?
they like the gal?
they wan the gal to help them?
or they juz wan to be frens with them?

guys thinking n gals thinking r diff?
in wat way?

suddenly i feel that my life is juz like a story.
a nvr ending story.

izzit selfish of me for not thinking for others?
all i wan is to be happy.
have i realli care how others fee?.
i dunno.
i'm tired to think.
or rather i'm afraid to face it.
i juz feel that i'm damn
selfish n useless.
haiz..

IF ONLY...

♥, yours truely

looks like i onli got one loyal reader.
LOL!

anyway, working in haagan daz aint stress.
but with manager is VERY stress.
freak.

reach home at 4 am.
TIRED.

didn't go for vball today.
went to have dinner with my aunites.
not very nice though.
LOL

izzit true that when someone stresses u
u will do a better job?

if for me.
i'll be more afraid.
i wont dare to try out new things.
i will juz do things that i'm familiar with.

then y do pple say
it's ok to make mistake when they keep scolding u?

HELL.

then wat's the rite way to train someone?

*hmmm.......*

♥, yours truely

my dear QP reminded me to update.
LOL.

sorry peeps.
i was working n i totally forgot to update.
not forgot but i was too tired to.

thurs went kbox with my class instead of sentosa.
it's doesn't matter.
coz i was too tired to enjoy myself.
sorry guys.
n seriously i dun sing with a mike.
it was alrite.
everything went well i think.

fri went at aunt's office then to haagan daz.
ytd was kinda busy.
till my leg is so tired.
i need YOKO YOKO pls.
haha.. need to buy one soon.
went home at 3.30am.
blah blah blah blah.

later going to work again.
1000 BUCKS here i come!!!
=)

the reason for me to work both places
is not becoz i'm in need of money.
but i got to help my aunt.
she needs pple.
haagan daz?
i go there for fun.
LOL.
n maybe partly for extra income.
:))

♥, yours truely

ytd was my first day at haagan daz.
sorry for not informing jay n kk.
coz i didn't know to to tell u guys.
we went on the same day
yet onli shuli n i got the job.
becoz it's through rennie.
i'm sorry.
i juz feel sorry abt it.

b4 working at haagan daz
i work for my aunt in the morning.
i work for 13 hours.
how nice was that.

at haagan daz
it was stressful.
i nearly gone mad
yup.
i'm serious.
coz i realli hate to memorise things.
n i got to memories the menu in a day?
gosh.
n got to like remember the short form in a day as well?
i hate it.
shuli did better than me.
she was so brave she took so many orders.
whereas i onli got 2.
LOL.
i was half hiding at the kitchen washing
n half clearing the tables.
stress till i dun feel like eating.
haha..

i onli had
breakfast: apple juice
lunch: pasta
dinner: ice cream
it like a complete 1 meal.

for this week.
wed - 10-5.30pm (aunt's office), 6-2am(haagan daz)
thurs - sentosa? with P1A5 or rather P2A5 already!!!
miss my classmates LOTS.
n i mean it. =)
fri - same as wed.
sat - haagan daz 6-2am
sun - vball

♥, yours truely

A DAY TO REMEMBER

it's being a yr since my ah kong leave this world peacefully.
my ah ma left this world peacefully on 10/11/1991
both suffer from cancer.

when i was young my ah ma was looking after me
despite she was having cancer on the wheelchair.
i always sing song to her.
can't believe i can sing uh!
haha...
it was a hokkien song.
dunno wat is the title.
she is a very pretty lady.
as in in their generation she is counted as one.
nevertheless, she is always one in my heart.
:))
she knows how to cook a lot of FOOD.
like egg cake (in chi), egg roll, kua n a lot more.
as she leave me at a young age
i didn't have much time to spent time with her.
however those little time i spent with her
will always stay in my heart.

my ah kong was a successful business man.
when i was young i always go to his office to play.
:))
as my aunt, mum, uncle r working there.
i love going in to my ah kong's office to play
it's like those boss room.
haha..
n my bro, cousins n i always play there
it's like our playgound.

i grew up from there.
when i was in pri sch
i always go there to study
as my aunt will teach me.
it was very tiring for me as
everyday after sch i got to take a bus to lavender
n i always fall asleep causing me to miss my stop
=X
n i got to walk all the way back.
there was once when my aunt waited for my at the bus stop
n i was sleeping.
she knock on the window n chase after the bus.
then one man tap me n wake me up.
i quickly press the door bell
but the uncle refuses to let me down.
so in the end i walk all the way back.

my kong is a very busy man.
n spent little time with us.
however, my bro n cousin(who r all guys)
spent more time with him.
i have no idea
maybe becoz i'm a gal?
sometimes i realli think that my ah kong is biased.
however a few months b4 he leave.
i was by his side most of the time.

it's becoz that was rite after i'm having holidays after my O's.
i feel that it was so unfair to me.
it was like b4 the O's my aunties said i could enjoy as much as i wan.
n that my ah kong is not in gd shape i have to follow him to go where ever he goes.
onli when he go home n rest then i can go out.
i tot he will be heal.
but i was wrong.
i seriously regretted that i would think this way.
he is my ah kong.
the dearest ah kong i ever had.
during the holidays i wanted to work.
but i couldn't.
everyone tot i had a gd life therefore i dun need to work.
but they r wrong.
they dunno wat was going on.
i dun blame them.
i was glad to spent the rest of the month with my ah kong.
in the few months i feel that i was closer with my ah kong.
:))

his last breathe was on
2 April 2005, saturday.
around 9-9.30am.

i was with him througout the nite.
my aunt too n a maid.
we were all with him.
b4 the nite everyone came to see him
he couldn't talk much.
i was glad to spent the last nite with him.
i tot i wont cry when he had his last breathe.
i was stun for a few mins.
i couldn't believe my ears wat the doctor said
that he leave this world peacefully.
i cried.
i miss him n i love him.
he had taught me so many things.
n i had to call my mum, aunties to come.
everyone cried.

soon we got to prepare for his funeral.
it realli hurt to see him go.
esp the last day.

i have always respect my ah kong n ah ma.
they r the onli ones who worth my respect.
they taught me how to be a gd gal.
they watch me grow.
they care for me.
i know they love me.
i love them too.
i miss them.

IN MEMORY OF
ah kong and ah ma
i love the both of you
memories will be kept in my heart forever
things that you have taught me
i will always remember
i am proud to be your granddaughter
and i will do you proud

loves: ah fen

♥, yours truely